Tuesday, July 23, 2013

10:48 a.m.

Our baby is one today. I still haven't really said it aloud. Maybe if I don't say it, it won't be true. I mean didn't we just come home from the hospital? Now here we are celebrating her first birthday. Excuse me while I crawl into the fetal position and cry in the corner. In the weeks leading up to her birthday I have been filled with such emotion. Both happiness and sadness.

Happy my sweet girl is one and we are celebrating her surrounded by family and friends. Happy we have gotten to spend the most wonderful 365 days together and I have gotten to witness so many unforgettable milestones. Happy I get to be her mom. It's a job that has made me into a better person. And a job which has changed me in ways I didn't think were possible. Happy I have gotten to watch Vivian's relationship with Zach blossom. She loves her daddy. It has been such a joy to experience. Happy I have a child to celebrate.

On the other hand, it is hard not to feel sad that she is one. In my mind she doesn't feel like a baby anymore. Sad she needs me less and is becoming more independent. Sad she doesn't want me to rock her before bed as much anymore. Sad she pushes my hand away so she can do whatever it is on her own. Sad she is is becoming a tiny little human. I miss my swaddled, warm and snuggly baby.

It is such a strange feeling. When they are so new and you are wildly sleep deprived, all you think about is how this part will end, it gets easier and you can't wait for them to need you less. But then it happens and no one tells you how incredibly sad it feels. If I have learned anything about parenting it's to enjoy and embrace every single moment, the good and bad. Probably part of the reason we decided I would stay home. I knew Vivian would be our only baby and I couldn't bear missing all those moments. People tell you that you blink and they are gone. Well it's true.

I feel lucky and blessed every single day to have been given the opportunity to be her mother. It is an absolute privilege. I am so proud of the little person she is becoming. I feel proud of Zach and I. We survived the first year of parenthood. Don't laugh, it can be rough at times. So here's to many more. I look forward to what the next year will bring.